“To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life.”Robert Louis Stevenson, Familiar Studies of Men and Books
I have no idea. A better question to ask yourself would be ‘what is the meaning of my life?’ But again, I have no idea.
Since before Christmas 2021 I have started feeling burnt-out and bored with my current retail job. But I guess we should take a journey back to the start of why I took that job.
During my last year of high school, and throughout sixth form, I was petrified for my future. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do – with any aspect of my life. I was a depressed and overly anxious teenager who turned away any help offered to her. Looking back now, I do regret that. If anyone still in school happens to pass by this blog post then please do what I didn’t, and take a serious long think about what you want to do. Go and talk with your tutors and even fellow pupils, and family if you can, and try to form some sort of an idea of the path you’d like to follow. And if, in the end, you don’t stick to that path, then that’s perfectly fine too. But at least you’ll have tried. And trying is what I didn’t do.
I kept my head down throughout Sixth Form. I had taken IT, Business Studies and English Language – the latter I enjoyed. Business Studies was alright but my head was boggled nearly every lesson and I was a quiet pupil who rarely asked for help if I didn’t understand something. So, I only became more boggled. IT I dropped after the first year and in the second year picked up English Literature. I don’t know why I didn’t choose that from the get go as I’m a major bookworm with a passion for poetry and prose. But, alas, I didn’t and only ended up doing one year and ending with an AS level in it.
As I finished sixth form, I was forced to think about what I wanted to do. I didn’t feel like going into further education at the time and the thought of university scared me. I was very much an introvert and the wild tales of uni life had put me off. Well, that then left me with finding a job. This equally terrified me and I would spend days and nights crying and stressing about what I was going to do. I applied for a bookshop – if I had to work retail, I wanted it to revolve around my passions – but was told I lacked experience in the retail world. So, I plucked up some courage and started volunteering at a local charity shop. I didn’t get paid, obviously, but it was at least getting me some experience. Dipping my toes in the water as they say.
Finally, an apprenticeship with another retail company happened. It was far from living the dream but it got my family off my back as I was finally earning some money and could start paying board. But I knew, even then that I wasn’t where I wanted to be. Eight years later and I’m still stuck there. So, why haven’t I left? Well…
- I’d grown comfortable there as I knew what to expect each day.
- Anxiety over finding something else and handing in my notice plagued my mind each month.
- Laziness – yeah, I’ll admit it.
- Simply not having a clue what to do.
However, I’ve just turned 27 and the thought of still being where I am when I hit the big 30 is depressing to think about. Perhaps some of you reading this are in the same situation? Feel free to share in the comments!
So, what am I doing to change this? Well, the other night I sat on my bedroom floor with a wad of blank A4 paper and a black sharpie pen, and I scribbled down all the hobbies and potential careers that interested me. This was anything from candle making to youtuber to proofreader to game designer. Anything that over the past few years I’ve been like ‘ooh, that sounds fun/interesting’. I wrote it down and spread all these ideas in a circle around me (well, my room’s not that big so it was a very wonky circle). Then I started to research them; find out the qualifications, experience, etc that was needed for each occupation. And that’s currently where I’m up to. I’ve also been looking at online English courses just to keep options open. The plan is to be out of my current job by the end of this year, and I’m hoping to continue to document my journey on this blog. That was another thing I had always wanted to try: blogging. If you’re sat there also debating whether to start one or not then I say ‘go for it!’ There’s nothing really to lose as you can start one for free and see how it goes.
This is just the diary of a lost soul who’s still searching for the meaning of her life. The idea of this blog is to hopefully document my adventures and also the things I love and enjoy, while keeping doors open. I also just like writing. Simple as that! 😀